


What Do You Risk?

by highlytrainedfangirl



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 14:43:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7056718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highlytrainedfangirl/pseuds/highlytrainedfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec realises what he said to Magnus before the wedding and feels the need to apologise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He was an idiot. He'd been so wrapped up in himself and his own problems that Alec didn't give any thoughts to anyone else. Words came floating back into his head, things he'd spoken in frustration to Magnus. He'd accused him of seeing their relationship as a game.  
_You flirt, you laugh, you use magic, but at the end of the day, what do you risk?_  
All Alec had thought about was his own problems. He only thought of what his parents told him to do, what he should do, what he wanted. He never once thought about Magnus.  
Magnus had opened up to him, something even Alec could tell was rare. Magnus had laid himself bare and opened his heart to him. Magnus had trusted him. In response, Alec had crushed his heart, left him for a girl he didn't even want to marry.  
Alec never considered what his words and actions would do to Magnus.  
He thought of his family, of the clave, how they frowned on homosexuality. His own troubles consumed him. He forgot that Magnus was vulnerable in this situation too. Magnus said himself, he didn't allow himself to be close to anyone, to feel love, and yet he made an exception for Alec. He was a downworlder but he stayed with Alec, knowing how the shadowhunters look down on him.  
Magnus did all of this and Alec still accused him of playing a game. Magnus put himself in a vulnerable position for him and Alec hadn't even spared him a single thought.  
He didn't even need to think about it as his body naturally directed him towards a certain apartment building in Brooklyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read tmi like three years ago but my friend finally got me to watch shadowhunters last week and my love of malec was rekindled.  
> I'm not sure if I'm going to make this have just two chapters or more, but if I do add more than that it'll probably be a while.
> 
> Edit:  
> I just realised how awkwardly worded that is. Basically - there will be a chapter 2 but I don't know if I'll do more than that


	2. Chapter 2

Everything had been a blur as Alec walked through the he crowed streets and into Magnus' loft. Magnus had welcomed him inside with his usual flirtatious charm and immediately began making cocktails. He was chattering on about something but Alec couldn't focus on the specific words. When Magnus turned back to face him and saw Alec, he stopped. The over the top personality disappeared and was replaced with a concerned one.  
"Is everything okay?"  
"I... Yeah... I just... I wanted to talk to you. About, well, about everything I said to you last time I was here, before the wedding."  
A glimmer of realisation flashed in his eyes but Magnus didn't say anything and instead waited for Alec to say his piece.  
"I'm sorry. For everything. I was only thinking about myself. I made so many stupid decisions and did what my parents wanted because I thought it didn't matter how I felt or what happened to me, just as long as they were happy. I didn't even consider the fact that other people would be affected by me. I'm just so used to giving up what I want for other people and not considering the impact on me. It's always been about Izzy and Jace and my parents. I'm not used to putting my own feelings first. And then you showed up, you payed attention to me like no one else ever has, you told me to start thinking about myself. I tried, but I took so long to realise how to put my own thoughts first. Too late." He thought of the last-minute ditch at the wedding. "I didn't know how to react. The whole time I was so busy trying to work things out for myself I didn't think about you. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  
His eyes dropped to the floor. He paused to collect himself, holding up a hand to stop Magnus from starting talking. He needed to get it all out and said before he lost his train of thought.  
"I never thought about how what I did would hurt you. The first night I stayed here you were so honest with me; you told me that for nearly a century you closed yourself off, but somehow I was the one that made you start to feel again. You bared your heart to me and I didn't even think, I just crushed it."  
Magnus was immortal. Even though Alec didn't know much about Magnus' past, he knew that he had a lot of sadness and heartbreak in his past. So many years of experience had led to Magnus closing himself off from feeling anything for anyone. The one time Magnus allowed himself to feel and Alec had just given him another reason not to. "I'm sorry. I didn't think. I'm sorry. I should have just listened to you and followed my heart. Instead I hurt you. I hate myself for it Magnus I really do. I shouldn't have acted the way I did." There was so much more that Alec wanted to say but he couldn't find the words. He was already rambling and repeating himself. He just wanted Magnus to understand. He needed him to understand. He hadn't meant to hurt him at all and he regretted every ounce of pain he'd caused. Despite wanting to say so much more, he couldn't make his brain and mouth cooperate and instead looked up at Magnus. He wasn't sure what he expected to see on the older man's face, but a calm, sympathetic smile was not it.  
"I know Alec. It's fine. You we're struggling and that's okay. You are allowed to think of yourself. After the circumstances you were raised into its understandable for you to struggle. It's okay."  
The gentle reassurances helped to calm Alec and he was able to hold Magnus' gaze.  
"You've spent your whole life looking out for others. You are allowed to look after yourself, too. Yes, it is true that hearing you say that you had proposed to Lydia and thinking that you would marry her, it hurt. But Alec, you cannot feel guilty for caring about yourself. Don't hate yourself. I forgive you Alec, you don't need to apologise"  
Alec could still see that Magnus was still hurt by the memories, but at the same time he wore that gentle, understanding smile. He really wasn't sure what to feel. He hadn't expected Magnus to be so forgiving, so quickly. He knew from the wedding kiss and their conversations afterwards that Magnus had either forgiven him at least a little or chosen to ignore those particular thoughts. But having Magnus be so calm and kind after Alec outright said everything he had done to him. What had he done to deserve Magnus? Why would someone like Magnus care so much for him.  
Alec didn't even think and instead let his body move of its own accord, wrapping his arms around Magnus tightly. The warlock briefly stiffened in his arms, unprepared for the sudden and forward gesture from the usually reserved man. After a few seconds he relaxed and held Alec close to him. Neither of them spoke. They just held each other close, taking comfort from each other, knowing that the other was _theirs_.  
Magnus had near given up hope of ever being able to say Alec was his and Alec had been so scared that Magnus would never accept him after all the hurtful things he said. But somehow they had each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh... I'm so bad at writing stuff like this. I tried to make Alec sound rambly and I think I just succeeded in making myself sound that way instead. It's not one of the fics on here I'm proudest of, but I hope you've enjoyed it anyway.
> 
> I may add more in the future, but it'll probably just stay like this.


End file.
